One year ago....

What, were did the year go? Last year at this time I was contomplating going to Kansas to witness the wedding of my brother.  I had finally come to the conclusion that I would not be able to go.  I felt at peace about it, not going.  There had been so many of my emotions that had played into the whole marriage of my brother.  I was brought to my knees many times to find the peace that I longed for.  So knowing that I had finally received that peace was just wonderful.  This had been a struggle for some time and now that it was over I was glad to put it behind me.  He got married June 25 2011.  I will only remember that day for the rest of my life because there was a life change that happened as well for me that day.

It was 7am I was up getting ready to go to the temple, I had been fasting and needed some guidance in my life and strength to carry on in my own personal life.  I needed to pick up my bountiful basket and head to the temple.  It was around 7:30 am and the phone rang....What, who would call this early in the morning.  I answered it and it was my brother Seth.  He said that they finally took Mom to the hospital.  OK back up to the end of May beginning of June.  Mom said she was not feeling up to her normal self she had been dragging and she said she felt like she was pregnant...  we all laughed because she was pretty sure she had gone through the change and was clear of all that stuff.  But just in case she scheduled a Dr. Appt.  to be on the safe side and to figure out what was wrong.  Unfortchantanly the Dr could not get her in till the end of the month.  Ok now back to the story.  So finally Friday night she could no take the pain she was feeling and Dad took her in to the ER.  They ran a bunch of tests and did a CT scan.  Then they all waited for the Dr to come in and tell them what they could do to take the pain away.  And that is what would change our lives as we once knew it.  Seth called me and said that things were not good and that the Dr. said that she had cancer.  They had nothing but cancer not how long or what kind or any treatment, only that it was not good and that they would be doing further testing to confirm the diagnosas.  I was in a complete and utter shock and had not a clue as to do next.  My mom was my best friend and she was not suppose to be sick with a terminal illness.  I attended the temple and then made the calls to my mothers family.  I had to make a plan as to what I was going to do.  I was packed and ready to leave June 28th.  Only 3 days after I found out.  I would be caravaning with my Aunt Sally and Aunt Donna.  We would stop in UT for a break at Uncle Mikes house.  Well until he offered to drive and I was not going to say no to help.  After all under different circumstances I would have made a go at this on my own.  After all I do the drive back to Kansas all by myself every year anyways just fine.  So the trip was a long trip that consisted of me my 6 kids and my 2 Aunts and one of their grandkids, and My Uncle and his son Preston.  We had a late lunch and drove all through the night.  Arriving mid morning to Moms house.  It was an adventure, but we made it and it was well worth the sacrifice on all parties involved.  And so let the emotional roller coaster begin.  We had a big family meeting and talked about alot of different things.  Mom and I were close and so I knew most of what was going on.  It was hard for me to see mom go through what she went through.  It was hard to watch your best friend be in so much pain and know that your were helpless in taking that pain from her.  The only thing I knew that I could do was pray and have faith that what happened would happen.  It was mid July when I knew that this was it and I had come to terms with the fact that Mom had just about completed her mission here on earth.  There were some loose strings that needed to be tended to and then the Lord had prepared a place for her in Paradise.  There are days when I would ask Father to take me instead, that Mom did not deserve to go like this and I would suffer for her if he would let me.  But this was not the case and as she suffered she did so with patience and love.  I am proud of her for all that she went through and the love and Joy that she shared with others as she patiently endured to the end.  Not having my Mother around to talk to or to laugh with or to let her tell me about the book she read that day or the TV show that she watched or the Good movie that I should watch or.... what ever has been really hard for me.  She was who I talked to she was the one that I leaned on for support and the courage to keep going each day.  One year ago this month.  Wow this year has been hard.  Not knowing what to expect, knowing that at any moment life could change and we have no control over what happens in the end.  All of what we have belongs to Heavenly Father and at any time he could take it back.  There are days when I wish I would have been the one to get cancer and suffer and endure the pain, but this was not to be.  I have yet to fulfill my mission here on earth.  I   came to terms with her leaving but in the end did not know it was going to be this hard to heal and adjust to life with out mom just a phone call away.  Or a summer adventure in Ks with the family.  Just because she is gone does not mean this will still not happen, having adventures with the family, it will just be weird not having her there, the spirit that she brought to each family gathering she was at was just amazing!  She was the life of any party she was at!

This month has many new mile stones ahead and I imagine that some of them will be happy ones and pleasant ones well ok all of them will be good but also painful at the same time.  It will just not be the same without the presence of my Mom around.  I am grateful that I was able to spend all summer and most of the fall with my mother I would not trade it one bit but I am going to be sad that I will not get to spend anymore summers with her. But the memories I made will always be there and I will treasure them always!!  I have a hard time talking and now I guess it is even harder to write about this cause I get really sick to my stomach when I do.  Darn emotions go away why don't ya..  Loosing my mother has been the hardest thing I have every had to endure and bare and learn to cope with.  I just want Heavenly Father to send someone to me that will hug me and hold me and tell me that everything will be fine and I will adjust and learn to live again.  I feel paralyzed and unable to go one.

On top of my mothers death, my husband and I have been fighting with marriage problems for quite some time now, going on 6 years now.  As we were discussing things tonight, I told him that I felt like I did not need a counselor to work on our marriage as much as I needed one for the death of my mother.  If I did not have both of these problems to work on at the same time I feel like I would have strength to do it, but with my best friend being taken away and a separation of the veil now between us it has been painful.  I feel if I can heal from loosing my mother then I can do just about anything.  I can figure things out.  But I have began to shut my self off to everyone and everything around me and it is getting worse and worse and I feel and know that it is unhealthy for me. I have come to the conclusion that I need help and can not do this on my own anymore.  I need family and friends to know that I am not always strong and that right now I am a mess inside and those that are helping me are appreciated but I am beginning to put up walls.  I hate walls.  I am looking for a good counseling that spealizes in grief counseling and hope that I will be able to work out some of these emotions and feelings.  I can not let those that have put so much time and effort into helping me feel like they have failed when they have not.   So if I seem quiet or unsettled, I am.  But know that it is not you that have done something, it is I that am lost and sad and miss my life as it once was.  Happy and upbeat.  I am working on getting there again the process is slow going for me.  The Lord wanted me to learn patiences and so he gave me 2 things to handle at once... He knows more than I do and knew that I could do both at one time....  I pray that I will learn the lessons being taught quicker so I can have the blessings that come...

Later on this month I will again write about my mother... Ok I will probably write quite a bit about her this month.. It is going to be a long month, I hope that as I talk about her and write about her it will get eaiser and I will find some closer to her death and learn to live with out her always there.  Oh how I miss you mom, You were something else..  I love you!!  If only I could say I love you one more time and hold your hand just one more time and look into your eyes just one more time I would!