A challenge in my life, we all have different ones...

After loosing my mother coupled by other problems at home I have had a hard time staying positive.  Life has presented it self with a set of challenges that at times I wonder to my self if I have the strength to go on.  I look at my 6 wonderful reasons to go on and see how amazing they are and then remember what I must do.  Then I pray for the strength from Father to help me move.  I have been in and out of  some pretty deep depression for almost a year.  And I wonder when is it  going to end and when will the light come?  I am writing this late at night cause it seems better then crying my self to sleep.  I often wonder why Moms body had to be torchered and beat up by that horrific disease they call cancer.  Then I look at how well she bared it, and wonder could I ever be as brave as she was with all of what she went through.  Oh how I miss my mom, a piece of my heart is gone and for me to go on like this is so hard.  I want so badly to talk to her, yet I can not.  I have been given one of the hardest test of my life to live with out my mother here on this earth.  A mother for the last 12 years has been my best friend and someone that I have grown to love more than I ever thought I could love like that. She truly taught me about the Savior through how she lived her life.  We shared things only that best friends would share, ours was more than just a mother daughter relationship, we truly were best friends.  If I did not call her or she did not call me we would worry about the other.  I lay here tonight and wonder what she is doing and wonder if she still thinks about me and how I am doing.  I know this has been one of the hardest separations of my life.  I wished I could have lived closer to her over the last 12 years but that was not to be.  There are times when I wonder what the Lord wants me to do here so I can do it and then be called home.  I want to be happy again so I can go through life again in the light instead of the darkness.  There are days when I feel like I have friends that listen and then there are days when I feel all alone and there is no one to listen to me.  There are days when I do not want to talk to anyone and want no ones help because I feel like a burden to them.  I am in that state right now I give people the "I am fine there is nothing wrong".  But really I am hurting and I do not know what any one could do to make it better right now.  I really just want my Mommy, to cry on her shoulder.  Then in her way of telling me its ok buck up and be a happy camper.  The Lord has given me these trails that I may become stronger and I feel like some how I will be stronger.  Even though I feel all alone right now I know He has not left me.  I know that He loves me and that He will never stop loving me.  I know this because He gave suffered alll the pains and sorrow and suffering I am feeling and going through for me right now.  I know that the Savior has my best interests in mind.  I know one of my weaknesses is accepting help and comfort from all willing to give it, not just the ones that I choose to let give it to me.  A close friend once told me while serving with her in  a Relief Society Presidency that we must support each other in our callings so we can find ways to serve others and in return let others serve us.  I am denying the blessings that come to others when I do not let them serve me.  I also may not be letting them strengthen their faith if they come to me because the Spirit sent them to me.  Such was the case a week ago.  My Relief Society Pres. came to me trying to find me because she was inspired and touched be the spirit that she needed to find me and talk with me.  This was  a particularly hard day one that I just did not want to finish.  She came and made things a little brighter.  I am fighting and I do not want to do this anymore.  I have learned that I must rely on the Lord with all that I do and with his help find the answers to my problems and then trust in him that the decisions we make together will be what is best for me and my family.  I write this not to tell everyone my sob story but to tell you that I am trying to be happy.  I guess writing is a destressor for me more so then talking.  I love to write and  I love it when others write me words of encouragement.  My Mother and I would do this when one of us was having a hard time.  I do not voice my words easily when I am sad, but as you can see I can express myself better in writ.  I must breath and know just because mom is not here does not mean that she sends me angels that know right what to say when I need to hear them.  Thanks for listening to me, I hope I get over this slump soon........

I have not posted in a while and thought that I would share a few fun mommy moments with you all!!

Yesterday Michael and I went to the school to do some PTO stuff.  I pulled up to the school in no hurry to get right out.  Michael of course being the busy body wasted no time in getting right out of the car.  He looked at me sitting in the car, then he matter of factley came over to my side of the car and opened the door for me and stated I am opening your door for you because that is what a gentle man does for a women.  Well I am so grateful that Michael has a few good examples to teach him the importance of women and how to treat them!

Today Maddie and Sammie and I all snuggled on my bed inside of a sleeping bag while Maddie and I took turns reading a book!  We had fun doing this.  Now Sammie and Maddie are playing hide and seek in the sleeping bag!!  Not to mention Maddie found my bra and her and Sammie have been putting it on each other!! They are so funny!  I remember as a child doing the same thing with my moms bras!!  I love watching my children be children and it makes me sad about how fast they are growing up and how these moments will only be a few short years.  Kids grow up so fast!

It had been a long day, the mother of 6 wonderful children, doing all that has to be done to take care of the children was extremely tired.  She laid down for a 10 min power nap armed with the alarm clock to wake her up just in time to pick up one of the kids from a birthday party.  The nap had not been nearly enough,but she rolled out of bed and put on her shoes and walked to the door.  Still waking up from a desperately needed nap. Walking to the front door,the house quite because the rest of the kids were gone to a park with dad.  She then spotted what looked like a enormous bug,  at first it took her by surprise but then

she had a smile on her face when she remembered her two sweet little boys who had been collecting bugs earlier in the morning.  They were so proud of their bugs carrying them everywhere.  Even though mother had asked them to not bring the bugs in the house , with boys they always end up finding their way inside, and some how this little bug had gotten its self in a predicament.  It was stuck in a strange place unfamilar to its surroundings and unable to find its way out.  As this mother found the bug, the bug must have been a little unsure and a little scared of what would become of it with the interaction of a human.  It had to trust that she would be safe in her hands till it was placed gentle out side.  She was this bugs only hope to again make it back to its home out in nature.  And so this bug put its trust in a mother and made its way outside again safe from the pitter patter of little feet that would soon enter the home once more, and break the silence.  No worries the bug got out and all was back to normal once again!!

Last story of the day,  I was walking out the door to get Spencer from a birthday party when out of the corner of my eye I caught a creepy crawling thing crawling across my entry way floor by the front door..... It was a rolly polly.  I then remembered that the two little boys were collecting bugs this morning!!  Thought that I would share a picture of what a found with all of you guys!!

Have a great day and just know that I had the best day ever with my wonderful kids!!

Back in Kansas again!

I had some very mixed feelings about coming here to Kansas.  I knew that I would have some difficult tasks to accomplish.  The feelings and emotions ran deep.  I cried a lot and I thought a lot.  The drive here was difficult, but I decided that I needed to make this a memory that I would cherish.  So I write today with joy in my heart for the memories of my mother that I have.  As our family goes through all the things that were mothers we will remember how she used them, where she got them, and why she loved them!! She was a great mother and had many talents that I hope if I have not already developed them I will try my hardest to do just that.  Mom always tried to do new things and was so full of life and embraced every moment with joy and happiness!!  I have had a rough few months but I am going to embrace every part of my life and  its challenges with a determination to move forward with faith to do what the Lord would have me do!!  Even though times will be hard with the right attitude in life I can make it the best life for me and my children!!  And so I put away the pains of my heart and the pains that my physical body has been giving me and I move forward and not let those things consume my thoughts.  I give them to Father in Heaven and let him carry them for me!!

I love all my family and friends for the support that they have given me!  It has been very helpful and I appreciate it very much!!  Without it in this life where would we be?  Lost, but I am not lost .  I have an amazing support system to help me through this hard time!  I love life and the plan of salvation.  I love my Savior for he has never left me even in my darkest hours.

Mom I love you and am eager for that day when we will be in each others arms again! I love you!  I know I felt like this when you left Heaven to come to earth, we were separated then and through patience we were reunited.  Now it is my turn to be patient until we are again reunited with each other in the Spirit world!  Love you Mom!  Talk to you soon!  Until then keep teaching the gospel to all our family that need to hear it!  I know your work is hard at times but you and Aunt Linda are amazing women that have been my guiding light!  I will make you proud down here on earth as you make me proud up in the spirit world!  Until we meet again, I will continue to attend the temple, so that families will be bound together forever as these Holy promises and covenants we make in the temple.   As the promise that Elijah made, that the hearts of the children will turn to their fathers and the hearts of the fathers turn to their children, lest the whole earth be smitten with a curse.  The Lord truly loves us and wants us to return to him he gave us a way.  That way is through the Holy Temple of our God.  As in times of old and now in this the latter days he is the same.  Father in Heaven loves us!

Thank you mom for teaching me and letting my testimony grow and develop!  I cherish my testimony and will  continue to nurture it and let it grow just as you did with yours!  I love you mom!!