A challenge in my life, we all have different ones...

After loosing my mother coupled by other problems at home I have had a hard time staying positive.  Life has presented it self with a set of challenges that at times I wonder to my self if I have the strength to go on.  I look at my 6 wonderful reasons to go on and see how amazing they are and then remember what I must do.  Then I pray for the strength from Father to help me move.  I have been in and out of  some pretty deep depression for almost a year.  And I wonder when is it  going to end and when will the light come?  I am writing this late at night cause it seems better then crying my self to sleep.  I often wonder why Moms body had to be torchered and beat up by that horrific disease they call cancer.  Then I look at how well she bared it, and wonder could I ever be as brave as she was with all of what she went through.  Oh how I miss my mom, a piece of my heart is gone and for me to go on like this is so hard.  I want so badly to talk to her, yet I can not.  I have been given one of the hardest test of my life to live with out my mother here on this earth.  A mother for the last 12 years has been my best friend and someone that I have grown to love more than I ever thought I could love like that. She truly taught me about the Savior through how she lived her life.  We shared things only that best friends would share, ours was more than just a mother daughter relationship, we truly were best friends.  If I did not call her or she did not call me we would worry about the other.  I lay here tonight and wonder what she is doing and wonder if she still thinks about me and how I am doing.  I know this has been one of the hardest separations of my life.  I wished I could have lived closer to her over the last 12 years but that was not to be.  There are times when I wonder what the Lord wants me to do here so I can do it and then be called home.  I want to be happy again so I can go through life again in the light instead of the darkness.  There are days when I feel like I have friends that listen and then there are days when I feel all alone and there is no one to listen to me.  There are days when I do not want to talk to anyone and want no ones help because I feel like a burden to them.  I am in that state right now I give people the "I am fine there is nothing wrong".  But really I am hurting and I do not know what any one could do to make it better right now.  I really just want my Mommy, to cry on her shoulder.  Then in her way of telling me its ok buck up and be a happy camper.  The Lord has given me these trails that I may become stronger and I feel like some how I will be stronger.  Even though I feel all alone right now I know He has not left me.  I know that He loves me and that He will never stop loving me.  I know this because He gave suffered alll the pains and sorrow and suffering I am feeling and going through for me right now.  I know that the Savior has my best interests in mind.  I know one of my weaknesses is accepting help and comfort from all willing to give it, not just the ones that I choose to let give it to me.  A close friend once told me while serving with her in  a Relief Society Presidency that we must support each other in our callings so we can find ways to serve others and in return let others serve us.  I am denying the blessings that come to others when I do not let them serve me.  I also may not be letting them strengthen their faith if they come to me because the Spirit sent them to me.  Such was the case a week ago.  My Relief Society Pres. came to me trying to find me because she was inspired and touched be the spirit that she needed to find me and talk with me.  This was  a particularly hard day one that I just did not want to finish.  She came and made things a little brighter.  I am fighting and I do not want to do this anymore.  I have learned that I must rely on the Lord with all that I do and with his help find the answers to my problems and then trust in him that the decisions we make together will be what is best for me and my family.  I write this not to tell everyone my sob story but to tell you that I am trying to be happy.  I guess writing is a destressor for me more so then talking.  I love to write and  I love it when others write me words of encouragement.  My Mother and I would do this when one of us was having a hard time.  I do not voice my words easily when I am sad, but as you can see I can express myself better in writ.  I must breath and know just because mom is not here does not mean that she sends me angels that know right what to say when I need to hear them.  Thanks for listening to me, I hope I get over this slump soon........