A Mothers Feelings

I appoligize for the long post but I needed to organize my thoughts so I can relax.

Ok so maybe I do not feel like this often but lately I have. I have 6 wonderful children that I love dearly. Yet lately I do not feel adaqute to help them with there individual needs. I feel that I have lost the support of good friends and am lost. I recently attended a class and the question was asked do you have the support of both your family and your friends when raising your children, espeaically your Autistic son. Of course my answer was yes but deep down inside I was searching for the friend that was there for me when I needed a break or the one that would see my need to get out for a minute to regroup. Or the friend that would say we love all your kids just the way they are because that is how Heavenly Father made them. Instead I was hearing them say we just can not do this any more. Your son is out of control and it is hard to be around him why can you not just put him in time out or why does he have to say those things can't you get him to stop. Or you should just spank him. Or this is what I would do. Well let me tell you, We do not spank because we feel that this just teaches the children to hit plus we used to and it never worked in the first place and we realized it when we had fewer kids. We have tried many things and found many things that have worked through prayer and scripture study and through insperation that we have followed. I know that My Father in Heaven is there to lead us in our parenting of His Children. He had entrusted them to us to love and nurture. I am grateful for this gift that he has given us to communicate with him through prayer.
I guess I just feel like when there is not someone to talk with and share feelings with about the fun things and the hard things life all of a sudden becomes harder and all I want to do is stay to my self and shelter my children from the pain I feel. It is hard to see your child want to make friends but the parents of other children will not allow it. How can that be, Christ would not do this, and his dicicples would not do that either. But we are all human and fall short of some things, I guess. I guess it is hard when others just ignore your family and do not put forth the effort to try just a little harder. To show love , instead they say we are afraid of your child or we do not want you to come over. I guess it is hard to hear things. I do have to say that Our son has made great progress and the Power of the Healing Atonement is working in his life as we are seeing him feel sorrow. He has the mentality to feel like a 4 year old even though he is 10. Yet he is extremely smart intellectuality beyond his years. He has no social skills and as we teach him it is a constant practice of what to do and when to do it. Why we do and how we do it. For me this is extremely difficult and overwhelming. Those that see this looking into the window never fully understand how me as a parent could let my son do this yet they never ask they just judge. There are just days when I ask Heavenly Father can you just give me an easy day just once please or an easy week. And when I feel like he has then it seems like he loads me full of trials again and says remember I am here do not forget me.

It is really hard for me to watch my other children suffer socially because they have to wear there brothers "label". My daughter will start school next year along with other kids at our church and yet I was not asked if she would like to be a part of a little preschool group. I know this sounds petty and stupid but when you know that she needs this to feel a part of something and crys and longs for a friend to come over to play. How do you tell her that all of her friends are at school and can not come over right now. I am at a loss of what to do. I do not like to hurt others and so I just do not say anything at all and then end up writing a book latter. like I am now. I just wish that I had a friend that I could cry on just once in a while or go out with and have a good laugh with. Do not get me wrong David and I do this but it is not the same when you have a girl friend that you can hang out with, someone that is home with their kids all day long. Someone that understands. I used to have many friends like this but I feel that my children have made them distant. And yes I will stand by my children 100% of the time my job is to love them and help them return to their Father in Heaven. I now feel like my friends outside of the church are closer and love my children more then the ones that I go to church with and share the same beliefs with the same goals and that is to get back to our Father in Heaven again. A dear friend of mine Allison's Kindergarten teacher just adores Joseph and looks past all the garbage and sees a sweet funny 10 year old much the way I imagine our Father in Heaven sees him. People like her I know will be blessed for their ability to love, no matter what.

I just hope and pray that I can feel more peace and know that I am doing a great job at being a mother of my wonderful and sweet children.