A warning to all: Tears are ok this month from me...So expect it....

And so the month of November begins.  Full of anniversaries and such.....

Mom got sick again, and we knew she would not make it.  She went into the Dr. for what she thought was a regular checkup and ended up in  the hospital on the 14th and by mid week was almost unresponsive.  By Saturday she was fading faster. By Sunday she was holding on with only a thread.  And early Monday the 21st she had taken her last breath and slipped peacefully away.  It was her time to go...

The hardest of all ...My marriage of 12 years will turn to 13 years on the 26th and it has been a rocky one.  I am currently separated and will be spending that day alone,  with 5 of my 6 children.  I know that somehow I will make it through the month of Nov, how I do not know.  But I will.

The thought of spending the holiday without being able to call my mom is sad, the thought of not spending it with David and my 6 kids is terrifying to me.   What I am going through is hard.  I have had the support of a good friend for some time and not even that friend will be around.  There were many miscommunications and in the end I am alone for the roughest part of the year.  I must find the strength to be strong for my children and hold up on  3 very hard and lonely days ahead of me.   My life is and the choices I make will shape the future that I make for myself.  But even though I have a plan on how to make it through those three hard days, does not mean I will put the emotions up on the shelf and hide from them.  I did that and it got me know where.

So here is to a tearful month.  Heres to a month of new beginnings.  Heres to the friends that will be there when I need a hug or a smile to brighten my day.  I have a hard time with letting go and moving on.  I at times feel abandoned and all alone by those that I feel should have been there.  I am afraid to move on not knowing if I will ever find someone to confide in and love. And have that someone trust me to do the same for them.  I want so bad to have a relationship that is equally yoked, with a partner.  I also miss having my mother to talk to.  She filled that void when my husband not there for me.  I do not know what I will do but somehow I will find a way to do what needs to be done.