It is 1:40 am and I find it hard to sleep tonight! I am feeling alone and sad for myself. Trying to hide or mask the pain of everything. I cleaned my pantry out and boy was it disgusting! Thats what 6 other people in a house will do to your pantry...Well at least when I am cooking tomorrow and Thursday I will know where things are and what I have, right?! I find myself trying to get into a project to keep my mind elsewhere.
I decided that I would do something for me...I have always loved sewing and quilting and making my home look beautiful! And so for the first time ever I went to the fabric store and bought material for me!! I whipped up a table cloth 8 place mats and 8 napkins and am excited to use then for Thanksgiving! And so for the last day and a half I sat at my sewing machine doing something for ME! At first I felt guilty for not being with my kids but then I relaxed and realized they would just play around me and keep on going! If they needed something they would ask! It was nice, afternoons of just sewing!
Projects keep my mind off of being alone! My Uncle who has been my biggest support and best friend through a lot of rough patches for me is with his family! He has needed this time for just him! And while I am glad he is able to get away and be with his family, it still hurts to have him gone! This time of year especially is rough. Being alone is one thing, being alone during the holidays is another. I so want to jump in my van with my kids and go to Kansas to be with my brothers and sister but at last I have no money or the time to spare so here I am. And from my Dad and his wife they are having their own quiet thanksgiving this year....cause that is what family is for right.....
The last 8 months have been so so hard on me. With my soon to be ex finally coming down to UT after calling his Bishop and letting him know what financial problems he had gotten himself into and what his plans were. He moved in February to Tooele about 2 miles away. For the kids it has been good to have their dad close by in most cases. For me it has been really hard. And once he was down here his financial problems did not cease...just location change. Being married still and somewhat dependent on him it has affected me too. I finally made the decision to file for Divorce and papers were served in July or August I can't remember. That was fun let me tell you...I was being punished for leaving and I was evil for breaking up my family. We all have our faults and we all have things that we need to work through. As we seek the Lords will in things we will know the way! As I have been counseled to not listen to the words of men but instead the Lords words, I knew that what I was to do was leave and make it final. THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER HAD TO DO! Doing the right thing is not always easy and it is not alway what we think it should be. But trusting in the Lord is what we should rely on even when it is hard and the way seems hard.
What has been the hardest for me? Judgement and unkindness from others. Especially family and friends. And all the gossip that comes from it. It often causes feelings of anger and rage in me followed by deep depression and feelings of insecurity. This just must be my lot in life and one of my trials in this life. But the last 8 months have been so painful for me. Depression like I have never experienced before. Not the best weight loss diet as I am 20 lbs lighter.... Not wanting to wake up in the morning...having no appetite or desire to cook. And cleaning the house something that I love no longer matters to me. No desire to exercise even when I know that it will lift my spirits. And then to make things worse the end of July I started to battle with a nasty UTI turned Kidney infection that finialy I was able to kick mid Oct. Surgery for carpal tunnel the end of September. Only to be followed by whiplash from a car accident in October. I went in to the Dr and found out that I am extremely low in vitamin D. My levels were 13 down from 18 last year with normal range in the 40's. 3 points lower I could have had some serious things start and cause me to be hospitalized. Life seems to just through those balls at us faster than we can catch.
On top of all of this I just could not get my head above the water and I was emotional all the time. Crying over everything or being angry at little things. My poor uncle put up with it all when he was home and when he was on the road. It was just to hard for him to be leaving and going all the time. Well that is his job but it was so hard on me...I needed constant and I did not feel like anything was constant. My heart was being torn in to many directions and I could not keep up with where it needed to be.
And so that brings me to now. I am alone feeling overwhelmed and abandoned even though that is really not the case. My uncle loves me so much that he takes the time to call me while he is gone and talk to me. He understands me like no one else does and I feel so blessed. But I feel selfish because it hurts to know that he is with family when all I want is to be with my family and my own dad is having his own this year. and I can not afford to or have the time to drive to KS. It hurts that my Uncle who has been my only constant family for he last 3 years is gone. I want to be selfish on the inside and keep him here. But I can not do that because I love him so much that I want him to be with his family and see that joy that comes from being with your family! I want that for him! He deserves it! Being alone can and will strengthen me and I know that one day all of this will make sense! Until then I trust that Gods plan for me is good and that one day I will know why!
On a brighter side..Allison was talking to my Uncle tonight and I started to cry cause I missed him and so I left so she didn't have to see me like that. After she got off the phone she came to me and asked what was wrong and I told her that I was lonely. She is so sweet she left me a note telling me that I was her best friend and that she loved me and would always be there for me! I have to say I have the most tender hearted children! They really are sweet even under all that teenage stuff they have to go through or will go through! I love my kids so much and just want the best for each and every one of them!
I must go to bed now as in a few short hours the sun will rise and I must be there for my kids who think that they must race the sun up!
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