Spirit World!!! She was valiant here in this earthly existence and she continues to be valiant in the Spirit world. I will always cherish the moments that we have made here in this earth life and look forward when we can talk about them again and laugh together again!!! But even more that we will be able to experience so much more together some day!!! I would like to share with you a few moments that we did have and post some pics as well. She was one of my best friends and in the last 12 years we have become very close!!!
Here we are all of my brothers and me and my cousin Janae. Mom always provided us with Spiritual experience to grow from!!! Today one of my most favorite places to visit it temple square!! I love the special feeling I get when I walk on that hallowed ground!!
In this picture we lived in IL. Mom and Dad just got married and I remember being so happy to have a daddy again!!! I remember mom and dad trying to gather everyone up to take this picture and I remember be so happy. Even at age 5 I could tell that mom was very happy to have dad by her... This meant I could not climb into her bed and snuggle as often anymore though.
Though I do not have many memories of me when I was very young I do know that My mother was a strong mother and relied on many of her sisters from relief society at this time in her life!!! She also got great strength from her family!!! I can relate some what to having so many small ones and always being pregnant. I do remember feeling safe and secure in my mommies arms as a toddler!!! And when I was a bit older I remember Mom scolding me and my brothers for going out to play in the mud after she had just bathed us!!! I did not see what the problem was then but as a mother of many small children now I totally see how much work it must have been to bathe us again and again and keep us clean!!! Oh one of the many joys of motherhood!!!
This was after a very long drive home I was very blessed to be at my mothers side!! I had been in a very bad single car roll over accident. I was lucky to be alive and walking around! This was a time when I would learn not to take family for granted. I had a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner and vacation before going back to college. What a blessing for having wonderful family to get me home. Uncle Nate drove me half way and Dad picked me the rest of the way home to Pasco!! Thanks giving with Mom always brought yummy food and fun games with the family!!!
And here last but not least for now This is most of our Family at the temple!!! Mom always attended the temple though she never lived very close to a temple she always made sacrifices to find the time and attend temple. She always taught me by example the importance of the Covenants she made with Dad and her Father in Heaven there in the Temple by living her life each day in a way she would make Christ happy!!!
Mom was rarely sad. And even when she was she always tried to make the situation she was in happy. She learned from her mistakes and then shared with us her experiences that made her a stronger person... Maybe in hopes that we would not have to suffer as she did. Mom is the most amazing person I know. She is full of love and compassion towards all that surround her!!
You are still very near just out of reach to me, I know that your love and compassion will not die with your body but instead you are sharing it still. I can not wait for the day that we shall all be reunited again.
As I drove away in early October some how I knew that that would be the last time I saw you healthy!!! I remember you crying as I drove off through my own tears!!! My heart ached for you!!! I wish I could have stayed longer, or I wish I could have taken me with you for that week we had planned!!! But that was not to be. You were needed at home your time with your little ones was needed more than my time with you was needed!! As I drove home I remembered all the fun times we had together and the memories we had. Then I pondered about not having you to talk to anymore. The thought was unbearable, yet I knew it was to be!! And I knew that I needed to find peace with you being gone. When I got home I called you daily and we would talk as if you were not sick. And then over night you seemed to get sick again. You told me you had thrown up your nasty pills you were destined to take the rest of your days!!! And I asked you if you had let your Dr know this, you did not seem to be bothered by this till the second day in a row that you could not keep them down. You and Dad finally called the Dr and had an appt with the Dr. Although you had told me you wanted to wait til Nov 18th your next Dr appt that had already been scheduled, you went in and the news was disheartening, the cancer had returned and came with full force once again!! You did well for a few weeks. Going in to have the parcentiseces which would relieve the pressure build up caused by the fluid build up. It was Monday I called you and you were on your way in to have a routine paracentisis and lab work done. Labs would show dangerously low blood pressure and extremely high potassium levels and low sodium levels. You were disappointed that you were admitted to the hospital. And wished you could come home. Maybe the next day you said to me you would come home!! Not the case as we all know now. We all of us never could have imagined that this would be last time we would see you. Laying in the hospital getting sicker by the day!! I talked with Dad everyday to see how you were as you were sleeping more and more and starting to not make much sense. On Wednesday I talked with Dad and he said the time was close and we would loose you soon maybe within the next week. I talked with Aunt Sally and we all decided that it was time to come and see you she would not be able to leave til Sunday and I wanted to leave as soon as I could. I prayed that I would be able to know when to leave. On Friday I woke up and knew that was the day I needed to leave. I volunteered at the school that morning , came home packed and loaded the car, and loaded Sammie Micheal and Allie up and left for Salt Lake to Meet Uncle Mike who would so unselfishly drive with me the next day to Kansas. We left Saturday Morning and drove through the night talking and remissing about memories. I am blessed with the best family in the world. As I worried about Uncle Mike and him driving for 17 hours he assured me he was just fine!!! All I have to say is 5 hour energy!!! I slept on and off that night, anticiapating our arrival to mom's. We got there at 5am and even though I wanted to race to the hospital I knew we would all need our sleep after being up all day. We slept for a few hours til all the kids and Amy and Emily got up. We all decided to go up to the hospital and be with mom. Nothing would prepare me for how I saw mom. I walked in the room and mom breathed heavy as she slept. She must have sensed we came in the room because when she woke up she was very excited to see us and quite surprised to see us as well. She seemed confused and had a hard time knowing where she was. She was trapped it seemed in an in between place and did not know what to do. We stayed there all day long it was a day filled with emotion. I knew she would go really soon, I knew I was going to beattending her funeral on Sat. I knew this all but ask me if I wanted to admitt any of it. I always have had perminsions to when things would happen. I felt in that room the presense of her family that had passed on before her. I would catch myself looking up wondering what they were thinking and knowing they were hugging all of us and at times I could feel our spirits communicate. It was at this moment though mom was asleep her spirit spoke to me saying Sally I must go now they are calling for me, take care of everyone and teach them with your example. I love you she said and with out words I too told her this as I sat and held her hand!! Tears welled up in my eyes as I knew this was the last time I would see her in this mortal life. The one thing I regret looking back was being to timid to share an impression I received for all of us to sing primary songs to Mom around her bed. It was time for us to go home and put the kids to bed and be with the girls at home. We all left and to go home. I decided that after I got the kids in bed I would go back up to the hospital, but a voice came as clear as the sun shines to me saying No stay home tonight you are needed here Your mom will be fine she is with those that love her!!! The girls needed me to be there with them. At 5:45 we woke up and did family scriptures. The phone rang and it was Dad making sure we were up. We were just having prayer and so we included him on speaker phone for prayer and then we talked and he said mom was not doing well and now would be a good time to call everyone and let them know we needed to come. I called Laura and Seth and Jacob called Lanny. Michael and Jacob were already there at the hospital with Dad. I called a sitter who came over to be with my children and The girls were getting ready for school. Emily was going to go to the hospital but Amy wanted to go to School. It was 6:35 and we were busy getting ready when Jacob called and said "She is Gone". My heart sunk as I stood in Emily's room watching her get ready, knowing that I now had to do something very hard, tell my baby sister about her mom leaving this earthly existence. We hugged and cried and it was then that I had realized that the girls truly would need me that morning. Mom needed me to tell them and knew I would be able to. I then went and found Amy in her bedroom and All three of us girls hugged and cried as we told Amy. It had been 15 mins and the rest of the house was quiet. Allie and Uncle Mike were down stairs and the two other kids were sleeping. I walked down stairs knowing I still needed to tell Allie and Uncle Mike. It did not get easier and the pain did not go away. I told Uncle Mike who in return gave me a great big Uncle Mike hug. To have Uncle Mike there with us was a blessing in so many ways. I then told Allison that Grandma was now living with Heavenly Father in Heaven, she was sad but happy at the same time. The understanding and resilience of a child is remarkable!!! Shortly after 7 the sitter was her for the kids and we loaded into the car and Uncle Mike drove all us girls to the Hospital to be with the rest of the family members gathering. We all had a final family prayer, and said our good byes to her body now lifeless. I knew that she was there with us all in the room. She was not dead she was still living just in a spiritual sense. That day was weird. I felt like I should be sad but I was not I was happy. Mom did not want us to be sad and cry over her, she had taught us to trust in God and have faith in him and all that he taught!!! So for a few days I held it together. But me being the one that was strong had to have a breaking point. And I did. I am was grateful to be around family that would comfort me that week. The hugs from my Uncles and Aunts were much needed and the long talks with them as well. The Lord gives us family to get through trials in life we must endure. As we find ways to endure though hard may be the path, those family members come out of the wood works waiting and ready to help rescue each of us in their own unique way. They may think that what they are doing is just a small token but to the ones receiving it knows no greater blessing!!! To my husband for giving me the space I need at this time, and the support that I need as well from him. To my brother Jacob thank you for calling me and listening to me when I call you even though I may cry more then talk. I truly love you!!! To Dad thank you for calling me. As I have said it is still painful to call home knowing mom is not there. Thank you Dad for talking to me and loving me!! It is hard to be so far away I at times feel helpless and want to fly on a plane and just give you a big hug!!! To Aunt Sally for letting me call her and come over and visit when I need to!! To Uncle Mike who daily exchanges texts with me!! It truly has helped me meet each challenge that has come. Just getting to know my Uncle Mike and knowing that he has lost wife my Aunt as well gives me strength to go on, taking it one day at a time. For the Sacrifices he has made through this whole journey with each of us!! His wisdom and knowledge and his compassion that he shares with all of us. I talked with Dad one night after Mom had left and he said that Uncle Mike being there was a pure blessing from God and It helped Dad so much in those first few weeks after Mom's passing. To my cousin Preston for his confidence that he has in me and for his listening ear as well, I thank each and every one of you , it has not gone unnoticed. The list could go on and on But to all that have reached out to me and loved me and my family have felt I am over joyed.
I have put off writing this but knew I had time too with the kids and David going Christmas Shopping. It has been emotional for me and tears have flowed ever so much as the pain of this experience surfaces when I talk about it. A subject that I need to talk about in order to heal but at the same time a hard one that I try to avoid. So do not be afraid to call me and talk to me and if cry it is not because I do not want to talk about it, it is because it is hard to think about my mom not having her here at my side. I want to talk about her and about all the experiences that I had this summer with her, so if I cry just be patient with me it is part of my healing process part of who I will become. A stronger person because of this trial I am going through. The scripture D&C 121 7-9 comes to mind :
"My son, apeace be unto thy soul; thine badversity and thine afflictions shall be but a csmall moment;
8 And then, if thou aendure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy bfoes.
9 Thy afriends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.
The Peace of the Gospel and the knowledge of the Scriptures that I have has brought me the added peace and comfort that I have needed right now!!! So just because I cry does not me that I am always sad it just means that I am one more step to healing and learning to live with out my mom by my side. Please do not stop asking me of my mom or how I am doing because it helps me. Thank you all for all of the support you give to me!!! You truly will never know the meaning and blessings it brings to my heart!!
I love you all and Mom I love you and miss you and know that you are in a happy place teaching those that are ready to hear and accept the gospel and might I add with that great big smile that you always have!!
Ok 4 hours latter I am finally done!!!
Love to all
Sallyann
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